Leaving on a jet plane #3

It's finally happening. 

Mummy Ning is leaving us for two weeks for a business trip and coupled with long weekends during her absence, the timing couldn't be worst. I am beyond nervous, more like, petrified.

And no exemptions this time round. Actually, indirectly there is, cause we've started scheduling baby Ning to 'skip supper time', no longer waking her up for milk between eleven-ish to midnight. More sleep for me, yay!

And no confidence as well, even though I've completed the required crash courses from mummy Ning, such as Bathing 101, Putting to Sleep 101, Learning 101 and so on.

Yes, I know what you're thinking. Take this opportunity to bond with your baby girl! It'll be fun! Everything's gonna be alright! The ship, upon reaching the dock, will eventually straighten it's path on it's own - translated from Chinese proverb. 

I only hope I can take good care of baby Ning. I have to.

Send me some much needed luck and well wishes.

Sigh.

Must. Resist. Source: http://tomhiddleston-gifs.tumblr.com/post/34179835854/tom-hiddleston-crying

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Lost & Found.

Mummy Ning has been searching high and low for her old passport for a while now, as there's a visa attached to it, required for her upcoming travel.

She has rummaged through all the cabinets, drawers, luggage, bags and containers available at home. Similar procedure performed at her workstation, with no luck. Her hope is now all on it being somewhere in her previous house.

Alas, it was futile, two hours into her search, mummy Ning called to deliver the bad news - that it now depends on how soon she can get a new done procured.

Not giving up, I started scanning through all the possible areas, the nooks and crannies for possibilities - most fortunate that baby Ning was taking her afternoon nap.

Half and hour into my search and a dozen plastic bags later, I finally found it, deeply entrenched within pages of invoices and bills. No one in their right mind would group such combination of items together, but that's mummy Ning.

I called but she did not answer, as usual, so I left her a message instead. Could have saved her about forty minutes of effort, too bad.   

I think I should build a career out of this, and excel at it. Not the first time I've found missing items for mummy Ning, and others.

I'm Jed, finder of lost treasures.

Nice.

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Over. And over. Again.

Having just returned from the dreaded trip, baby Ning has achieved another milestone - she's now able to turn over on her own, just one way for now though.

So, every now and then, once she gets tired of lying on her tummy, baby Ning will start 'ordering' us to flip her around as she's not used to resting face down.

Proud.

Perhaps we've encouraged her too much, as she now turns over every single time we place her on a flat surface. Like it's an automated motor reflex.

Including diaper changes.

Cham ...

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Leaving on a jet plane #2

Alas, it's my turn to fly, to the land down under, for approximately ten days.

For business trip of course, one that I had given lots of thought to before deciding, much contrast to prior occasions where I'll jump firsthand at any opportunities available.

While I do know that mummy Ning would definitely be able to take good care of baby Ning while I'm away, having another person around to help out with the bits and pieces actually make a whole lot of difference.

With cleaning, laundry, dishes, trash, preparing and washing the feeding bottles, cleaning up after baby Ning's bath and diaper changes, and so on - kind of imply that I'm a house maid though.

And all the what if questions started popping inside my head, again, though this time, from a third party perspective. What if mummy Ning fell asleep without feeding her? What if she 'lao sai'? What if baby Ning falls ill? What if ...  Déjà vu lor

I'm also concerned I might miss baby Ning so much that I'd fly back at my own cost, to hold and feel her in my arms again. Cham.

I suppose such dilemma would pop up more often now, juggling and finding the balance between career and family.

Sigh, wish me luck and I hope I survive and not loose my mind in these ten days.

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Leaving on a jet plane #1

The dreaded day has finally arrived, as daddy Ning had to take care of baby Ning all by himself. Because mummy Ning's travelling back to her hometown, just for one night only.

via GIPHY

All the seemingly simple tasks and routines suddenly looked extremely challenging, like putting baby Ning into the car seat and driving to the nanny or cleaning her up, even preparing to feed her which I've done countless times. Or trying to have dinner.

And with so many what if scenarios playing in my mind, it's amazing how I made it through. What if I locked myself out when throwing rubbish? What if I overslept and forgot to feed her (which happened before)? What if she had fever? What if ...

Most fortunately though, since it was a short trip, I was 'exempted' from having to bath her, which I had zero confidence in at this point of time. Tried it once and failed halfway through, sigh.

Eventually mummy Ning returned home in the afternoon and the world suddenly felt brighter and my shoulder much lighter. And this was only for a day, I'm definitely not looking forward to the weeks to come ...

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Clip. And here comes the blood.

Mummy Ning accidentally clipped baby Ning's thumb when clipping her fingernails today.

Totally unintended.

But mummy Ning blamed herself, strongly.

So, daddy Ning had to console both a crying baby Ning and a guilty mummy Ning.

Baby Ning was strong though.

She only let out a short cry, and was back to her usual jovial self.

Mummy Ning has now developed a phobia to clip baby Ning's nails, so it's up to daddy Ning now and he's equally petrified.

Cham...

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Impressed.

Baby Ning took off her right hand's mittens on her own today.

Daddy Ning is impressed much.

Good girl!

Baby Ning in action

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Grandma.

In memory of my maternal grandmother, who passed away today, at the age of 93.

Uncle L, who was with her then, informed us get prepared as he noticed her movement stalled and breathing starting to slow and about half an hour later, confirmed that popo (that's how I address her), passed away very peacefully.

Though we knew this was coming, it was still quite sudden as only a few weeks ago, while visiting her in the hospital (admitted due to difficulty in consuming even non solid food), she was in a jovial and chatty mood, trying to identify us (as her memory had been deteriorating) and insisting we buy roasted chicken for her, while stuffing us with money.

Life is really unpredictable and cheesy as it may be, we should deeply cherish the time we have and spent with our loved ones.

Popo, may you rest in peace.

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Nanny.

2nd July, baby Ning refused milk for her first meal, before sending her to the nanny's (first day).

We kind of suspect it might be her realizing the fact that she'll be separated from the wife - whom shall henceforth be known as mummy Ning. They say babies can sense it you know.

Cried when left at nanny's house, this was of course expected and mummy Ning confessed she was heartbroken when leaving.

And baby Ning was pretty under the weather when we picked her up in the evening - she was quiet, inactive and not responsive no matter what we tried. Kesian.

Different story on the second day though, as she was actively mumbling and playing when mummy Ning left her at the nanny's.

So fickle. Pattern more than badminton.

Milestone: Baby Ning can now lie down on her stomach and lift her head a little. And as much as I try, I'm not able to recall when she started baby talking, sigh

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100

A mini gathering at home for baby Ning's 100 days celebration.

Just immediate family members, it was the first time my parents and sibling meet baby Ning post delivery, and also their first visit to CT. Very far, they complained.

And rhe wife's sister baked baby Ning a cute cake!

We catered food, pretty good stuff though slightly on the expensive side, but worth it lah. And got free 'acar'!

Had a quick scare as well, as my dad sneezed onto us when taking a picture - he wasn't feeling well (flu and cough) and was donning a mask all the while except when taking a photo of course and it just had to come then *roll eyes*. I felt some sneeze 'output' landing on my arm, next to baby Ning, hence the scare - quickly wiped her all over with wipes.

Lots of leftover food and without our family members 'tapao-ing' home, we would probably be eating the same food for breakfast, lunch and dinner over the next few days.

I hope baby Ning had a great time.

Food, glorious food

Cute right? Her attention to detail is amazing - drop me a message if you're interested in ordering, will hook you up :)

On a side note, we finally found a nanny of choice, one whom we felt comfortable and confident with - though the first few minutes of our meeting were pretty intense (at least for me as she looked intimidating lols), a recommendation from a friend's nanny, if not mistaken. Experienced, flexible, not too old, taking care of only another kid and less than 10 minutes drive from our home, what more can we ask for. Finally ...

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Story of Ning #15

I suppose this will be the final installment of baby Ning's recovery story.

As she was showing excellent progress, on MAY 18, we decided to discontinue the oxygen feed, ever so reluctantly due to varying concerns. And this decision was followed by long hours of 'monitoring' the monitor, and sleepless nights, especially for the wife, even after continuous reassurance from DC that her breathing is stable now. As days pass, there were times when we 'release' baby Ning from the sensor attachments to let her experience freedom of movement, which we eventually regretted because she start resisting us re-patching the sensor on her. Sigh.

Around end of May, we reduced dependency on the monitoring device and by early June, stopped utilizing the monitor totally as her breathing cycle and depth normalized. At this point, taking care of baby Ning became much, much, much easier as there's less restriction now. Everything, from feeding, to diaper and clothes change, to feeding felt more manageable, no longer having to worry getting her entangled in all the cables and hoses.

But the joy was short lived because around the same time, mother-in-law returned to her hometown (FIL 'bising' liao) and her absence was immediately felt as we had to manage housework on our own now, much more to do. And then, we received news that the wife's aunt volunteered and was travelling over to help out, as temp nanny. We were initially caught by surprised, and was slightly hesitant but eventually relented, thinking we would be able to learn some tips and tricks due to her vast experience in nanny work. 

However, her aunt's stay lasted only 2 weeks, as her coughs and phlegm were becoming unbearable for us, due to concern of baby Ning contracting it, and some other 'issues' in between. In a way, we felt bad for 'engineering' her return, as she was here on good will to ease our burden but baby Ning well-being will always be our top priority.

Seems that this chapter's finally nearing it's closure, as baby Ning's breathing has finally stabilized - verified by DC as well during routine checkups and immunization schedules, devices were returned to the medical company as well as the kindhearted vendor - and our room no longer looking like a makeshift ward. Last but not least, we initiated our search for a nanny considering the wife's extended maternity leave's coming to an end soon and all of us would require some sort of readjustments with these changes, as we also trialed on 'scheduling' her daily activities.

Looking back, these had been difficult times indeed, probably the most draining and exhausting (both mentally and physically) few months I've ever experienced to date. Unable to eat nor sleep well, with most time awake caring or worrying about baby Ning (and the wife), juggling work, family, parents (at one point, dad had to be sent to hospital midnight as he was coughing blood, and was eventually diagnosed with TB and infection) all part of the 'symptoms' being first time parents and all, you know - a first for and of many experiences.

Lost quite a bit of weight as well, couldn't even binge eat - my approach to release the stress. Even when I kept reminding myself to eat, rest and take good care of myself, the priority and focus would always shift to baby Ning - as she had no one else but myself and the wife to rely on for everything. Even during work, she kept appearing in my train of thoughts, shifting my focus to 'Worryland' - hope my boss doesn't come across this.    

Life is unpredictable, no matter how thorough you plan and prepare, something's just meant to be. You may cry all you want, get depressed, blame your self and eventually everyone around you, and maybe even question your faith but after all these outbursts, take a deep breath, get help, seek for advise and take one step at a time while supporting one another. I'm extremely grateful and thankful to our family members (especially the wife's who was with us throughout the whole ordeal), DC for her continuous support, advise and encouragement, all the nurses from both hospitals who cared deeply for baby Ning, A for helping us with the equipment, friends and colleagues for their advise and moral support.

And most importantly, to the wife, who had been through so much pain, anguish and despair these few months and yet, was extremely patient and cared for baby Ning the best you possibly could, to this point when baby Ning is a happy and healthy baby, stay strong, there are still many years of hardship to some *laughs* 

Well, there you go. End of this chapter, with many more stories of baby Ning to come - I honestly hope I can find time to update them here.

Her royal chubbiness, baby Ning

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Story of Ning #14

For the days and weeks to come, it was pure chaos as we adjusted to baby Ning's needs, schedule and tantrums - being first time parents, we were trying to 'follow' what was practiced in the hospital, such as feeding amount and timings, sleeping hours, noting down these figures for reference, etc. which we thought were best for her until advised otherwise (should be more flexible, on demand and not be too strict/rigid on ourselves and her) by siblings and relatives.

At the same time, we started searching for a nanny who fits our criteria, also had to deal with insurance claims, hospital discounts and confinement center refunds, and last but not least, struggling to get an accurate reading from on monitoring device. I suppose it was due to our hesitation to secure it very tightly (as advised by the vendor) around baby Ning's feet, worrying it might affect her blood circulation. 

After days of failure in getting consistent readings, I dismantled one of the sensors and reassembled it solely with medical tapes and voila, accurate, consistent readings and graphs - should have done this earlier! Alas, the joy was short-lived as the sensor malfunctioned after only 3 days of usage, without the original cover to protect the wiring, it snapped from the sensor components. So I dismantled another *laughs* Post medication, baby Ning's reading has shown vast improvements, able to maintain on the high nineties most of the time, regardless during feeding, sleeping or play time. 

With my recovery, I've started leveling up my skills in taking care of baby Ning as well, from carrying (fragile little one) to milk making and feeding, diaper change (difficulty increases ten fold when it's poo), cleaning and changing, bathing and putting her to sleep. At times, it gets really challenging when baby Ning was feeling groggy, or when I felt groggy during midnight feeds.

May 8 :: Our second visit to the doctor, whom I shall refer to DC henceforth. Similarly, using the more accurate (and trustworthy) device coupled with DC's monitoring, the outcome was positive and encouraging. She felt that baby Ning was ready and no longer need to depend on the oxygen feed, but if we're still concerned, can instead slowly reduce the dependency by scheduling intervals of stop and resume. Finally, progress! Her only caution is to avoid crowded places, to avoid chances of contracting respiratory related diseases as that would result in breathing difficulty for baby Ning.  

That night, after much discussion, we decided for now to stop the oxygen feed during daytime, when we can still monitor closely (so we can resume quickly if required) and resume it at night during our sleep. And as we get more confident (by monitoring her progress), we'll re-look into removing the feed totally. Slow and steady approach. I have to admit, we were pretty paranoid in the initial days, especially when baby Ning inhales deeply *worry* or had noisy breathing *worry* or eat less *worry* or higher/lower than normal temperature *worry* Sometimes, I do wonder how we got through those days without falling into depression due to endless worries

Difficult times ahead. 

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Story of Ning #13

It was trying time for the wife, as I was ill - the thing with my health is, I'm usually pretty 'resistant' but once infected, my system fails rapidly - fever, cough, flu, sore throat combo in one go. And it takes a really long time to fully recover, even with medications. I had to be masked all the time around baby Ning and slept in a separate room (was a blessing in disguise lols).

It was a week of trial and error for us and baby Ning, as we switched milk powder due to her poo poo being too watery, amend her feeding style, amount and schedule, manage her sleeping hours and duration, regulate room temperature and quality by switching between air conditioning, fan and air purifier, adjust then readjust her nasal tubes for oxygen feed, just to list a few. All for the comfort of baby Ning and we finally understood the concerns raised by nurses prior to her discharge. 

April 19 :: It was baby Ning's first follow up session with the PD post discharge, expected a long wait even with specifically timed (ten in the morning) appointment, hence we were well prepared. I suppose that's the norm for famous/well known medical practitioners here, like, we're always more than welcomed to consult others if impatient. 

Fortunately for us, baby Ning slept through most of the wait. Unfortunately for us, we were carrying her, then there were lots of sick but active kids moving around and I accidentally bumped her head (noob me) onto the chair's wooden arm rest, sigh - no one but myself to blame for being such a klutz.

It was almost 4 hours later that we finally met the PD and after a simple procedural check (with his attention/mind elsewhere), he sent us to a different room and had a nurse monitor baby Ning's breathing pattern, under normal condition and during feeding for about 20 minutes, then presented the readings to the PD. Eventually, she returned and conveyed that baby Ning no longer need to be dependent on the oxygen feed. 

I was overwhelmed with relief and the wife was in tears because to us, this piece of news meant baby Ning has finally recovered after such a long battle. 

But that was quickly overshadowed by doubts and uncertainties as my logic kicked in. Considering all the precautions and prevention we had to take during baby Ning's admission and discharge (as advised by dear PD) AND... with this simple, almost lackluster check and monitoring, everything is now fine and dandy and we can go home. 

Like really? The PD didn't even meet us up post monitoring (we did ask the nurse who clarified with the PD it wasn't necessary), no further checks, no precautionary measures, no advise on dos and don'ts, no nothing. And the next follow up consultation was in a months time.    

In all honesty, I wasn't confident but with not much options available, we (okay, mostly me) reluctantly headed home and continued monitoring baby Ning closely. That night, upon discussion, we decided to reattach her to the oxygen feed due to concern of not able to monitor her during sleep (too soon) then removed it the following day.     

April 20 :: By late evening, we notice baby Ning starting to breath rapidly and deeply again - so we did what we had to and resumed her the oxygen feed. It was a short lived joy and now we felt lost on what's the right approach to take now? Like, how do we really know if she's actually ready to be taken off this dependence, considering we were advised so by the PD. We dropped him a message seeking for advise, but he was travelling so it was only much later when we got a reply, and it was to resume the oxygen feed and for us to schedule a follow up appointment with him. Bah!

Then and there, we decided to re-consult our doctor (back in the initial hospital, whom we kept in touch with) for further advise and alternative. To be honest, at this point, I've lost all confidence on the PD, even though he maybe well known to have successfully handled many complex cases but didn't seem to me like he knows what he's doing with baby Ning, other than continuously giving me false hope. 

The doctor immediately hooked us up with one of her vendors for equipment rental (who drove to our house on a Sunday, helped setup and provided KT, then charged us only RM 1 as rental fees as he was made aware of our prior hospitalization charges, we couldn't be more grateful) then set an appointment with us to further understand and monitor baby Ning's latest condition.  

April 26 :: Appointment with doctor and we didn't get the news we were hoping for, as baby Ning was diagnosed not ready to be taken off the oxygen feed. She suggested for us to consult with a pediatric lung specialist in UMSC and also to try the medication approach (steroids basically) to strengthen her lungs, which she advised is a common approach/practice and is safe as the dosage is minimal. 

Our initial hesitation due to our persistence for baby Ning to naturally recover as she grew and not wanting to 'introduce' her body to new and additional chemical substances, waned at this point of time and we eventually relented to try - partly due to the infinite length provided by the PD, the initial weeks estimation turned to months then years during our last consultation with him.

The medication was for ten days, to be fed orally via syringe, twice daily, with each of the four courses containing lesser percentage as it progresses and the only difference we noticed would be her hunger pangs, which got more frequent. Hopefully, baby Ning won't grow up to be as fat as me *laughs* 

With renewed hope, we continued monitoring her progress and restarted our quest for a nanny, one nearer to our current home and preferably, one on one - there goes another few hundred bucks in forfeited deposits. 

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Story of Ning #12

APRIL 11 :: The wife checked out from the confinement center, like finally. This was before the full month duration but as we needed to prepare for baby Ning's discharge the following day, we had to, even without any refund as it was voluntary early 'exit'. That and also, the overall experience isn't exactly that pleasant nor rejuvenating - anyway, as mentioned before, it deserves an entry on it's own. Unexpectedly lots of stuff to move as well, I guess it got accumulated over the past weeks, little by little. Oh well.

On the brighter side, the wife finally took her first step into our new CT home post renovation :) If I recall correctly, her first comment was something around "Wah, still so messy ah?" *AHEMS* Though there were still boxes and bags of items here and there, it was still pretty comfortable - kudos to me who made (or at least tried to) that happen *self praiseee...*.

With mum and sis in laws arriving, everyone eventually went into 'work' mode, some performing kitchen setup and fridge 'fill up', some into storage and rearrangement, others into cleaning and wiping while myself and the wife prepped baby Ning's item in the master bedroom, as we decided it's better for her to be sleeping with us for now. Although tiring, it was heartwarming (for me at least) as our home was finally filled with familiar sight and sounds, as opposed to strangers or my lonely self over the past few weeks.

APRIL 12 :: It has finally arrived, the day we're discharging baby Ning from hospital and it has to be this day that yours truly forgot to bring his wallet - must be the anxiety. So, this round, the wife had to dial the magic number instead. The final bill, which almost equated to a locally manufactured compact car, was more than expected and we suspect it was due to some miscommunication or translation lost between the PD, the head nurse, the nurses and the clerk. Nevertheless, we must have grown immune to these figures, after some calls and clarification, the wife paid the amount and we proceeded to the PD's clinic for some flu/influenza immunization jab, "Better safe than sorry, it'll complicate her recovery is she fall sick, especially respiratory related illnesses", he advised. That visit prepared us mentally, setting our expectations for future consultation - his clinic was filled to the brim with ill infants/kids/teens.

Upon hooking up baby Ning to the portable oxygen tank, we were on our way - one of the longest and most stressful drive I've done because with all the tubing, it was too complicated to put her into a baby car seat, so it was up to the wife to ensure baby Ning's safety in her arms and up to me, for their safety. Once home, it was more setup and adjustment work to ensure maximum comfort for baby Ning. And with that, it was the beginning of a new chapter for the three of us, finally united under the same roof after almost a month since baby Ning arrived to this world. Definitely lots of learning, catching up and getting used to in the coming days, weeks, months and years to come.

APRIL 14 :: Our very first "test" happened on this, as we experienced power failure early in the morning, resulting a non-functioning oxygen concentrator. Never expected one so soon, hence, you can only imagine the panic we experienced, as we quickly attach her to the tank to keep the oxygen supplement flowing while trying to find out the root cause. Our initial suspicion of a faulty concentrator were quickly ruled out as we manage to get it running via the power socket at the lobby area. As the lights/fans/air conditioning were still running, it seems the issue was due to our power sockets and during investigation, I kind of "fried" my phone due to power surge - yes, I was stupid enough to test using my phone + charger.

Eventually, I contacted our ID who hooked us up to the electrician, who traveled all the way from Semenyih (I think, thanks KK) to resolve our issue. Turned out it was due to messy wiring by the developer, which resulted in a power trip as one of the ECB got burnt, bloody hell, one unpleasant incident after another involving the developer. Once settled, it was business as usual for everyone in the house.

APRIL 17 :: Baby Ning's full moon :) Just a simple celebration with cake, as it wasn't recommended for her to be in crowded situations. Hence, it was just mummy, daddy, baby and grandma. Happy one month old, baby Ning! Hope you grow happy and healthy, lots of love!

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Story of Ning #11

MARCH 30 :: Officially registered baby Ning's name, after much hurdles, discussions and deliberations. The initial round of selection and trimming between myself and the wife was pretty lengthy, taking into account the Chinese and English pronunciations, not to scar her for life due to our bad decision. We had our family members chipping their thoughts in as well. And then. it was time for the dreaded process of getting experts to "measure and calculate" based on charts, stars, elements and all that stuff. The initial plan to have my 'temple' do that, due to my parents persistence, backfired as they have ceased such services, getting too old they say. Then it was up to our resident master, "peh sifoo", who to our upmost horror, rejected all choices we've presented, due to non-compliance. Back to square one, all over again and thus, baby Ning was our final result.

APRIL 1 :: Performed the official move in ceremony, to 'buang suay' and to satiate the Chinese blood in me - the usual lights flicking, cooking (no gas, had to get an induction stove which is now collecting dust), water boiling, red clothes arching over the entrance, make some noise and all that. Should have been a joyous and exciting but with all that's been happening (and since I was doing it alone), so it was more like a bore chore.

APRIL 3 :: We learnt of DART's therapy (not from our PD), this is after repeated failed attempts to turn off baby Ning's oxygen supplement, which was at the lowest minimum level possible, as the percentage hovers around 90 at each attempt. But then, even with the oxygen supplement, it was uneasy watching her breathing pattern, as it was random and rapid, uncoordinated and seems challenging. We were reluctant to try this therapy, as it involve inducing small dosages of steroids into baby Ning to strengthen her lungs and with that, hopefully will stop her reliance on the oxygen supplement. The wife, though not recommended, had begun driving to the hospital to visit baby Ning on a daily basis. As much as I would prefer her to be 'confined' instead, I couldn't bring it to myself to stop her - given that I were in her shoes, I would've insisted on the same. Also learnt that baby Ning's butt is as sensitive as my feelings.

Happy, happy numbers

APRIL 6 :: We decided to bring baby Ning home to continue monitoring ourselves, and started making the necessary arrangements. There was not much that can be done for baby Ning in the hospital either, just monitoring and more attempts to turn off the supplement - which can still be tried during scheduled checkups with the PD. And so, with the PD's "blessings", we proceeded with equipment rental (oxygen concentrators and portable tanks) and hands on experience with its maintenance, all the dos and don'ts when monitoring baby Ning from the nurses, so on and so forth. With this decision, we have additional concerns of taking care of baby Ning (similarly raised by the nurses as well), the initial plan was to learn all the 'magic' from the center but with baby Ning not being 'checked' in at all, there was zero know hows between myself and the wife. With all these tubes, it adds on to our complication but we'll have to start somewhere eventually. At least baby Ning was growing steadily, gaining length (?) and weight (3.9 kgs few days later).

There were lots of prep work yet to be done, since we're moving in to our new home. Furniture, household appliances (more money spent), mother-in-law arrangements (all the way from Penang to help us out, thanks ma!) and the most important step, cleaning and purification. Neighbors' renovation should have been completed but I still heard light drilling and hammering, which added to our concern but too late to do anything about that. 

What do you do after binding your TV to WiFi? Watch YouTube videos lor

As the days draw closer where the three of us can finally live under one roof, after weeks of separation, the excitement, as well as concerns, grew stronger. But it's definitely a day that I, without a doubt, very much look forward to.

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Story of Ning #10

Days turn into week. With my leave over, I was back in the office and at times, I confine myself to my workstation due to constant repetition of story telling - I should have blogged about it then and pass them the link instead, increased viewership *laughs*. By now, baby Ning's condition has shown even further improvement, she was officially off antibiotics and subsequently switched to normal oxygen flow - fed to her through nasal tube, no longer requiring the infant nasal CPAP device which looks really uncomfortable, have a look yourself below.

Now imagine your darling baby attached to this everyday. Image sourced from COPYBOOK

That switch to nasal tube had a huge impact on both myself and the wife because other than comfort, we were now able to study her facial features, since it was much more visible. Besides, the nurses also started her on oral feeding via cup, to stimulate the sucking/latching sensation. And most importantly, we were allowed to carry baby Ning *tears of joy* as she's easier to maneuver around and out of the bassinet now.  The wife was courageous enough to eventually attempt that, not that she had much choice considering we're planning and encouraged to breastfeed baby Ning once possible but me, it took ages before I dared to attempt carrying *lacks confidence*.

As days passed, baby Ning showed tremendous improvements, so much that it worried us because it was happening too sudden too soon, as the pressure level was reduced from 0.5 to 0.1 gradually in a few days, since she was able to maintain her SpO2 level and heartbeat rate at a stable/positive percentage point. No issues with her feeding (even her feeding tube was removed later in the week) or discharge and she was recording weight gain as well. There was even a period of time where she was taken off the oxygen feed but that did not last very long since the reading was not encouraging. 

And true to Newton's third law of motion (spiritual application), with every action, there's would be an equal opposite reaction. I received the second love letter from the hospital, although it wasn't as mind crushing as the first one, it was still pretty numbing, especially after learning that the PD's charges have yet to be included in the current total and his consultation fees' pretty steep *boom*  

With his consultation fees now included, the discussion on alternatives resurfaced as baby Ning's condition seemed to have stagnated as well, a couple of attempts to remove the oxygen feed failed. And after much pestering from myself since the discharge date was nowhere to be seen as the bill totaled 25k+ now, the PD, together with the head nurse, finally presented a few options for consideration, being:

1. Remain in NICU, which is the best option 
2. Move to HDU, nurses to baby ratio differs
3. Move to nursery, few nurses to all babies 
4. Move to ward, no nurses
5. Take home with rented oxygen concentrator, self monitoring

There's even more confusion now because true to the PD's 'style', while we were provided with the above options, we had to source for all the nitty-gritty details such the differences, charges, impact on baby Ning and so forth on our own. After much discussion and deliberation, we came up with alternatives which were rejected by the PD. He disagreed with moving baby Ning to the previous hospital as he felt it would have made no differences (to him the cost difference was negligible *roll eyes*), just subjecting her to needless transfer. And he dismissed the option to move baby Ning to the confinement center with an oxygen concentrator, which we felt was the best alternative with professional care and assistance. He stated that the center would have too much human footprint/movement which increases the risk of exposing baby Ning to potential respiratory health hazards.

It was really a "ini tak boleh, itu pun tak boleh" type of situation.

Eventually, we relented and decided to have baby Ning remain for the time bring, due to uncertainties and inability to come to terms with the PD, all the while he kept reminding us of our youth and our ability to earn what has been spent. There were additional cost cutting measures taken, as we started engaging the oxygen concentrator rental, more for familiarization purposes and baby Ning was moved out of NICU to the nursery instead. 

And the saga continues.

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Story of Ning #9

By the fourth day, baby Ning was already off the CPAP machine and kept on oxygen therapy, meaning her breathing is no longer regulated with pressured intake and just supplied with concentrated oxygen. And with more of the tubes and attachments removed, baby Ning can now be swaddled in blankets, which is such a pleasant sight. And there were more instances of her opening her eyes ever so slightly and increased reaction towards sounds.

These turn of events brought lots of comfort to both myself and the wife. As days passed, somehow, baby Ning's recovery seems to have stagnated. Consulting the PD, it was the same mantra, he advised us to be patient as baby Ning's recovery will take time, the fact she's eating, sleeping and discharging well is a very positive sign. "In fact, she's eating a lot!", he added. Okay. Well, she seems to be doing well actually, other than her assisted breathing as we heard her bawl, and it was surprisingly strong and loud. No indication of problems with her lungs at all.

And also, as part of the cost cutting measures, the kind nurses advised us to provide baby items such as tissues, diapers, cottons, etc. as these will be cheaper if purchased outside compared to provisioned by hospital. Let the shopping begins!

And you know, sometimes, when you're at total lost, you subconsciously succumb to faith and religious beliefs? Yes, for a short period of time, that happened to me because other than my usual prayers, I actually went to perform 'life release' for baby Ning, after some recommendation from certain quarters. Not that big of a deal honestly but then again, wouldn't find myself doing this otherwise. Finding a center that performs such ritual, pigeons for my case, was easier than expected, all hail the power of Internet.

Ironically, visiting this center delivered the wake up call. Well, the devotees and volunteers were really friendly and helpful as they walked me through the release procedures, all the whats, hows and when, then settled my contribution (no minimum limit, totally up to me) for the release, which was great! It was when they introduced this fella, whom I assumed to be the leader or person in charge, that my radar went haywire. As h.e speaks, his words felt riddled with falsehoods, spiritual items, chi channeling, critical illnesses healing overnight, fortune telling, and so forth. Sheesh.

Fortunately for me, the prayers were starting, so he had to excuse himself, and so did I, snaking my way out of the center. Well, one of the volunteers did "catch" me leaving, I made up some excuses and bade her farewell. A note to myself to research, if there's ever a next time *touch wood*

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Story of Ning #8

With the wife checked in to the confinement center and baby Ning well cared for in the private hospital, I resumed our CT home prep work, as it needs to be ready for occupancy in a month, lest we be sleeping under a bridge. To do includes post renovation defect checking, furniture and electrical appliances purchase, delivery and setup, cleanup (outsourced of course), stocking daily necessities, etc. I pray that there's enough days off and weekends (morning only) for me to complete them.

Next (afternoon and evening routine), to the confinement center as I fear the consequences if I were to have neglected the wife, *laughs*, and of course, to replenish food supply for baby Ning. And finally, to the hospital, where after regular updates, the nurse handed me an envelope with a sinister smile, stating that it's a love letter from the hospital - I had no idea what she meant then but upon scanning it's content, it all became apparent - an invoice from the hospital for overdue charges and request for top up, much love indeed.

I went "What the ..." and my heart skipped a beat when I saw the figures. It had only been 3 days since admission and yet the bill already totaled 12 thousand plus, this was way, way, way beyond initial estimation given. The hospital is requesting that I top up a further 16 thousand with urgency, using colored letters, important notice stamps and all that. I panicked, pacing up and down the corridor before finally slumping on the sofa outside NICU. Took a while before I regained my composure then gave the wife a call because I needed to share this new predicament with someone.

As if baby Ning's condition wasn't already taxing enough, and now this.

The wife was equally shocked. I supposed both of us were in deep thought when I finally broke the silence "I'll start making instant transfers to my card to offset the current limit and I'll need you to do the same. Let me know once done, I'll then check the balance and inquire the hospital if the top up amount is mandatory or flexible". Half an hour later, thanks to the wonder of online banking, there I was, seated opposite a pleasantly smiling lady manning the cashier counter, inquiring what she can assist me with today. I sighed as I handed her the letter.

"Is the top up figure stated within the letter mandatory?", I inquired. She studied the content, "Well, it would be preferred if you can do that or at least cover the overdue charges". I let out another sigh, one of relief this time. "In that case, please charge this amount", as I indicated the figure of choice. "Sure", as the lady proceeded with the necessary procedures and while waiting, it suddenly crossed my mind if there were any 'monthly biggest spender' contests ongoing, at least I might stand a chance to redeem something from all these swipes.

Note: I later found out that the contest happened the following month, talk about bad timing.

The dreaded message from bank arrived on my phone, alerting that a transaction has been made on my card - yes I know, I know. Back when PIN was not necessary, it's funny when the message arrives before the restaurant staff returns with your card. How times have changed. With that swipe, once again, I've fallen into the credit debt trap and with my maxed out my credit limit, and again, I shuddered at the thought of interest accumulation should I be servicing only the minimum payment monthly.

We initiated discussions the PD about our concern on the charges as well as possible alternatives. He explained that baby Ning's recovery relies heavily on her dependency on the respiratory equipment, and he can only decide to downgrade the equipment or reduce the dependency once her progress (which he monitors on a daily basis) shows stabilization and positive progress. Hence, at this point of time, he is unable to provide any indication on when baby Ning can be discharged. 

And he was against transferring to another hospital simply because, if baby Ning's condition were to worsen during the transfer process, it will be back to square one with the ventilator. "It would be best for her to continue with the treatment and monitoring here for now", he concluded. "Both of you are still young, money spent can be easily replenished and if needed, I can actually provide a letter for EPF withdrawal to cover the hospitalization costs". That first part sounded awfully familiar while the second part provided some relief as we were not aware of such option.

With that, both the wife and myself decided to have baby Ning remain there for now and learning that the discharge date is still very much an uncertainty continues to add up on our concern.   

Money, money, money... Image source: https://weheartit.com/entry/306275553

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Story of Ning #7

Now, where was I ... oh yeah, surprises ... I should put more effort on this, really ...

At the cashier counter, it was most fortunate that I was seated as my knees weakened upon learning the total hospital costs for wife plus baby, it amounted to 16 thousand plus ringgit, and to think we're not even in a private institution. For a salaried worker like me, that's crazy amount of money. Upon reviewing the itemized bill, due to the escalation to emergency case, full charges were applied to the normal delivery, then cesarean plus emergency procedures. Ouch.

After a short chat with the wife on charges, we were on our way to the confinement center. It was a quiet drive, as a lot were playing within our respective minds. And once again, it was time to utilize the magical card that enables one to utilize money one does not have - and this time, the transaction was rejected, my first ever credit limit breach. Thank goodness to my recent positive credit ratings *proud* and I was back to swiping aimlessly again after a phone call. I had flashbacks of the time when I was living in credit, managing only minimum payments each month, sending shivers down my spine. 

On the confinement center, this 'gem' deserves a post on its own, and yes, the inverted comma is there for a reason.

Back to hospital in the evening and it felt that we made the right decision in engaging this particular center. Although the most expensive option, but the close proximity between these two locations kind of justified the cost back then. Baby Ning had just fell asleep, still with assistance from sleeping medication. She seems more relaxed now and less yellowish as well, reducing the concern of jaundice *phew*. The nurse on duty passed me the direct contact number for NICU, informing me that I can call in anytime for updates if unable to visit. A number that was very much underutilized. 

Knowing that baby Ning is in good hands now (one nurse to two babies max leh) plus repeated reassurances, gave me renewed confidence on her recovery. I felt less tensed now, though still yet to recover any of my appetite (dinner consists of a few bites of leftovers from the wife) nor sleep cycles.

Fast forward to the next day, upon wrapping her up like a mummy with hoodie, scarf, gloves, socks and the likes, due to repeated warning to ensure the wife 'tak kena angin', we made our way to the hospital. And lady luck was by our side (more like her side, I guess), as the PD was just making his rounds when we arrived, hence some live updates - had him switched to mandarin mode hoping the wife would be able to catch on, compared to the difficulties I had with his speed briefing in English *laughs*. But alas, the outcome was similar.

Well, the few key points we eventually consolidated were, 24 hours monitoring, to 'downgrade' the equipment based on her progress (CPAP in queue), hospitalization duration still unknown - could be days, or weeks and cannot be rushed. It does help that my job relates to sleep business as I was able to catch on to most of the medical jargon *proud*. Some hours later, after much pestering, back to the center we go.

Over the next few days, my routine was pretty much fixed to commuting between the center and hospital and our homes, and having leftover food for meals. Free food equates to money not spent, and money not spent equates to money saved. Every single cents counts now. Sounds 'kelian', but the food was actually okay.

I was back in NICU after dinner and there he was again, making his rounds. To my pleasant surprise, baby Ning was no longer attached to the ventilator, and according to the PD, that was since 3 pm and she has been making good progress, her milk intake (tube feeding) as well as discharge were normal as well and she was no longer on sleeping medication. Unfortunately, still pretty much nude expect for the diapers and beanie, due to all the monitoring attachments. 

It was almost midnight when my phone rang, jolting me awake from my drifts between sleep and reality. It was the PD (many encounters today) and at this point of time, I was still referred to as father of wife's name's baby, as he started updating me on the baby Ning's improving condition, the oxygen feed percentage, next steps, etc. A short but condensed call and I found out the next morning that he called the wife initially, but she failed to receive his call in time *laughs*.

And the saga continues.

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My GE 14.

"Elections belong to the people. It's their decision. If they decide to turn their back on the fire and burn their behinds, then they will just have to sit on their blisters." - Abraham Lincoln.

And yes, you've guessed it right, this is a post on our recently concluded 14th general elections, pretty obvious from the quote above, right? I'm taking a break from baby Ning's story to write on this momentous election (for me at least), one which had resulted in a change of government for the first time ever in  Malaysia's 61 years of 'democratic' rule under the same party.

And here's my GE 14 experience.

I arrived at the polling station slightly past eleven, with FY, taking my own sweet time this round since I didn't volunteer for any duties this year but alas, even at such unpopular hours, the registration queue stretched for quite some distance, and moving at snail pace. 

Side rant: The thing I never get is this protocol where we are still required to first  'register' for our 'saluran' slip then only allowed to enter the polling area even though this information is readily accessible online. We should be allowed to queue directly at our 'saluran' instead, saving hours of unnecessary queuing and not only that, these manpower can then be fully utilized to assist those in need of their 'saluran' information. Less waiting, faster voting, win-win situation!

Anyway, upon casting my vote, which took a while since my 'saluran' was especially crowded (FY was done in half the time), I headed home to get rested in preparation for a long, long night. Based on previous experiences, we won't be getting the final results until well after midnight. At that time, even the slightest thought of an opposition win didn't cross my mind, I was just anxious to find out if the existing states could be retained, and hoping for additional seats gain.

Why? There were just too many (new) factors favoring those in power leading to the polling day, re-delineation in Selangor, failure of PH coalition registration, anti fake news law, mid-week polling day, postal votes delay, etc.

So, when the initial results started rolling in, I had mixed feelings because on one side, I was extremely hopeful for the PH winning trend to continue (considering most were from the so called 'vote bank') but at the same time, anxious that it was just an initial boost as there were still many seats to go. I was switching between channels frequently, at the same time, refreshing results from multiple web sites, especially the EC one, for official results because as you know, unless it's coming from them, there's always the chance for 'changes' due to recount *ahems*.   

By midnight, the possibility of change was getting more and more plausible, especially if one is referring to the unofficial numbers coming from news portals. Me? I'm still frantically refreshing the EC site *laughs* and then, there came the announcement from Tun M himself that a simple majority has been achieved and the official results deliberately held up. I was like, is that for real and in my mind, I was like, no way, nothing is confirmed until the EC said so, right?

And thus, I held on to this notion of disbelief, overwhelmed with anxiety and hope, awaiting conference after conference from the EC and after multiple sessions ending with their repeated 'joke' of asking us to go sleep, I KO'ed and dozed off around 3 am.

The morning alarm beeping jolted me awake at 6, as I reach out for both the TV remote and my phone. There it was, the official results and with that, confirmation that the opposition coalition has enough seats to form the next government. What a time to be alive! The long awaited change has finally happened, one made only possible by the unity of Malaysians. I was somewhat quite emotionally affected by this turn of events that I almost teared, no idea why.

And in the midst of euphoria, there was also a growing safety concern, I mean, this is the first transition to ever happen and there were chatters as well as uncertainties all around on the delayed swearing in of Tun M as the prime minister, the repeated advise to stay home and avoid any form of celebrations, the not favored candidate, the possibility of a hung parliament as the PH coalition was not official and so forth. Well, being the overly concerned person that I am, I've actually stocked up on basic necessities prior to polling day, enough to last a few days being holed up at home.

Eventually, Tun M was officially sworn in that night, finally easing the tension that has been brewing throughout the day due to lack of information. What's to come next? I guess there'll be lots of discussion on the cabinet's assignment, investigations into the previous government practices, individuals brought to justice, restructurings, re-branding, resignations, and so on.

But for now, let us all bask in the pride and of course, a rejuvenated hope for a better Malaysia in the days to come. Malaysia, boleh!

Image taken from: https://www.instagram.com/redhongyi/

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Story of Ning #6

Side story: Part 5 was actually quite difficult to pen down, recalling the events on that fateful day was painful, many times I had to stop my writing as emotions were stirring and tears were welling up. But this serves as a good reminder, to myself, to always cherish my loved ones, family and friends, as things can happen, be it good or bad, in the most unexpected time and way. And as a collection of memories for baby Ning to go through when she's older as well, of how she overcame challenges and obstacles since the day she was born into this world.

I was initially pretty concerned on finding a way back, since it's expected that the ambulance trip will only be one-way for myself and fortunately for me, a handful of Grab drivers were still at it, even at such ungodly hours. The driver was in the mood for conversation and it was mostly one way, considering that I was pretty stoned at that time, as he dwelled on life's plight, his wife had just underwent surgery, leaving the kids in his care and he had to work on two jobs to mitigate financial issues, leaving him little time for rest. Yet, despite the hard times, he's thankful for the 'rezeki' he's  still receiving, maybe just a little test of faith, he concluded.

God bless, 5 stars and a short yet positive review for this good chap.

Fortunately, I wasn't barred from entering the ward and upon getting the wife up to date (some the nurses as well), she shooed me home. Fine. I sunk into the car seat, took a much needed deep breath, and started driving home. It was at this point of time, realizing that I can finally be truly alone and not needing to deal with anyone anymore, my physical and emotional strain finally snapped and I started sobbing uncontrollably.

And to make it worse, you know how when you're feeling down, it tend to attract negativity and that's exactly what happened - I started recollecting all the predicaments baby Ning went through since arriving to this world and when the most recent image of her floated into my mind, I bawled like there's no tomorrow. Up to a point when driving became slow and difficult as my vision was blurred by all the tears, but there was no stopping it. The journey home ended taking much, much longer, even though the roads were practically empty.

I slumped onto the bed but wasn't able to catch much sleep, and soon enough, the first light of the day snuck past the curtain sheets. In less than an hour, I was back in NICU and was updated by the nurse that PD has yet to make his rounds. 'There's no way of knowing when actually, sometimes its super early in the morning, and then wee hours into the night but for sure, he make his rounds twice in a day', the nurse added.

Seeing that baby Ning's breathing has a regular pattern now, and it looks much more calm and relaxed, it reassured me that moving her here was the right decision. My confidence was slightly restored, and I became a little more hopeful that this was going to a short phase on her road to recovery. I spent the next hour or two observing her - not much movement though, partly due to the sleeping medication still being 'fed' to her.

In between my observations, I looked around, hoping the PD would appear before me, allowing me to get some much desired updates on her condition, but alas, he was nowhere to be seen. By the afternoon, I had to make my way back to the wife, to settle her discharge and have her checked in to the confinement center. That was when I experienced the first of many surprises to come.

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Story of Ning #5

It was ten plus when we were updated that a ventilator has been secured at said private hospital, preparation was in progress to receive baby Ning. The pediatrician and her nurses started pacing around making preparations of their own, reports, diagnostics, equipment, mobile incubator for the transfer, ambulance service and most important of all, to intubate baby Ning. It was much later that I realized what this intubation process meant, and it scarred me deeply realizing she went through that.

Side story: It was much later that we learnt from the pediatrician that the intubation process did take longer than expected as baby Ning was resisting it, even after putting her on sleep medication. Under normal circumstances, the given dosage would result any babies falling into a motionless deep sleep but not for baby Ning. Eventually, they had to increase the dosage to subdue her - what a girl!

I prepped myself after deciding to travel with the pediatrician via the ambulance, that way, I am aware of the unfolding events and decisions can be made instantaneously, as and when required. Though the air was tense, can't be helped that there's a tinge of excitement for my first ambulance experience. Once intubated, the pediatrician had to manually work on a manual oxygen pump for baby Ning, all the while still belting instructions to the rest. 'Now, we wait', as she pumped the night away.

It was slightly passed midnight when we finally received the much anticipated call and everyone was in motion, baby Ning was placed into the mobile incubator and wheeled to the ambulance via A&E department. My heart started pacing rapidly, unaware of what's to come once I leave this familiar ground, and I'll be on my own. 'Will keep you updated, try get some rest and don't over think stuff', I said as I bid the wife farewell and rushed over. I hopped on to my designated passenger seat, as the pediatrician and nurses secured baby Ning at the back.

The sirens blared, then tuned down a little, as the journey to the private hospital began. I could only steal a couple of glances to the back along the way, where the pediatrician was still hard at work pumping oxygen for baby Ning. It was a smooth ride as the streets were empty and during such critical times, I realized how riddled with potholes our road conditions were, with each bump, I worried for baby's well being.

Upon arrival at the other A&E, joined by a team of nurses, we were guided through a maze of doors and lifts, eventually arriving at our destination, Isolated Neonatal Intensive Care Unit (NICU). These were uncharted territories for myself, as I was pretty familiar with the other areas such as the lobby, rooms (and suites) and common areas - not that I'm proud of it though, no one in their right minds would like to frequent a hospital. As everyone else entered the room 2, I was made to wait outside, an instruction that I'm starting to get used to.

The time was one plus in the morning, as I drop the wife an update. Where I am, between myself and room 2 was a solid wooden door, obscuring myself from any view of baby Ning. Hints of the current situation were only available via the commotion of movements and discussions, and beeping of machines. It was almost half an hour later that the pediatrician exited the room with her team. 'She'll be in good hands now, the PD here is renowned for his expertise in pediatric care'. Then she added, 'Try not to worry too much on the costs for now, baby's recovery should be of upmost importance. I know that it'll be costly here, but you're still young, what's spent can be recovered in time', as she tapped my shoulder as encouragement. 'We're making a move, the nurses shall be with you shortly'. And they left.

It was another ten to fifteen minutes when a nurse exited room 2. 'Okay, daddy can proceed with her admission first, these are the forms, head down to the reception of A&E on ground floor from the lifts there. Once done, come back here'. Okay, auto pilot mode, ON. The journey was straight forward but the registration took a while, surprisingly, even at such odd hours, there were quite a number of ongoing admissions as the staff of duty chattered. Deposit was five thousand ringgit, pretty steep compared to just a thousand and five at the other hospital - it's at these moment when you're thankful for the existence of credit cards. Makes me wonder how things used to be, am I to scour around for cash to complete admission at such ungodly hours?

The return to NICU was a complex journey as I wasn't allowed to use the previous route, which was meant only for emergency cases. After much trial and error, I was standing outside the NICU department, denied entry as the PD and nurses were performing procedures on baby Ning. The current spot was much better, allowing me to catch a glimpse of the ongoing situation though hardly able to make out anything, just individual hard at work.

It was roughly around two plus in the morning when I was finally allowed to enter, standing between myself and baby Ning was the PD, who started overwhelming me on status riddled with medical terms. He was stern, direct, speaks fast and my first impression of him was uncompromising, uneasy to approach. Not exactly the perceived characteristics of a pediatrician I had in mind. Post briefing, I inquired if I could stay beside baby Ning and he replied, 'No point of you staying here, there's nothing you can do, just go home and rest'. No sugar coating, no word play, just in your face response. 'Any questions?', he muttered. I shook my head, he nodded and departed.

The nurse was more comforting, informing me there's no place to properly rest within NICU as well, she could arrange a room if I insist on staying here (chargeable of course) but it's better to rest properly and come back tomorrow, as visiting time in NICU is quite flexible. I nodded, thanked her and informed her I will stay a while then head off. 'Okay, just let me know once you're leaving, I'm on duty and will be nearby'. As I drew closer to baby Ning, the vision that dawned upon me was one I was unprepared - I tightened my fists, took deep breaths and eventually held my composure.

A ventilator tube was secured to her mouth, both her hands were bound, on one hand to hold the inlet  for IV drips, the other for medication purposes, her left leg bound with sensors, and multiple sensory patches on her abdomen. I was confused. This certainly doesn't look like a mild or non-critical condition as I was advised earlier, I mean, this is the Intensive Care Unit and the only times I've seen level of attachments to a patient, were during movies or dramas. I felt hopeless, all I was to offer then were words of encouragement and prayers to baby Ning.

Then, I bid the nurse farewell and stepped out of the NICU. 

2.45 a.m. 

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Story of Ning #4

Initially, the wife digested the news well, perhaps I unknowingly 'sugar coated' baby Ning's condition or the anesthetics had yet to wear off completely. Because during the later briefing by the pediatrician, the wife cried. Could be gender factor which resulted in a somewhat emotional session as the pediatrician became teary eyed as well, whilst consoling the wife. Or the privacy factor, as we've managed to finally secure a single room.

The rest of the day was spent shuffling around, to observe baby Ning's feeding, changing and sleeping from the nursery window, which is closed sometimes due to breastfeeding mothers, so viewing time is pretty precious. And ensuring the wife was as comfortable as possible during bed rest. Up to night time, there were not much changes to baby Ning's condition of rapid and irregular breathing pattern, and under close observation by nurses on duty.

But it was comforting to learn that besides the MAS condition, baby Ning was otherwise healthy, eating and shitting well.

Fast forward to the next afternoon, a significant occasion was unfolding as I accompanied the wife into the nursery where she was finally able to meet baby Ning, for the very first time after delivery. I held on tight, as I felt her legs weakening and tears started streaming down her cheeks. The reunion was beautiful yet heart wrenching, rather than being able to hold and cuddle the baby during their first meeting, the wife could only look at our baby girl, strapped to tubes, wires and monitors - it was 'deja vu' for myself. 'Tahan', I reminded myself over and over again, 'Stay strong'.

There was no good news for us. The pediatrician has decided to upgrade the respiratory equipment, from the already level increased oxygen treatment, to Continuous Positive Airway Pressure (CPAP) therapy, as baby Ning was unable to maintain a positive level of blood oxygen saturation (SpO2).  And her syringe feeding will be changed from oral to tube instead, for the milk to reach her stomach directly, thus all her oxygen intake will be channeled to lungs for respiratory purposes.

Once more, the pediatrician reiterated that there's no cause for concern, as it's neither critical nor life threatening situation, just to reduce the effort required by the baby when breathing so her energy could be spent on feeding, bowel movement and etc. And the deterioration is still within expectation, since she's entering the critical inflammation period.

More tubes, attachments and observations later, we made our way back to the room. And the wife broke down in tears, her pent up despair since learning of baby Ning's condition finally released. I hugged her tight, consoling her to stop questioning and blaming herself, as both of us started sobbing uncontrollably - eventually interrupted by a nurse who came in to check on the wife's condition. Even with the presence of a stranger, it took a while for her to finally cool down.

Then, it was all good for a while. The pediatrician, OB-GYN, anesthetist, and family members visited, had an argument with my mother due to uncertainties, intolerable persistence and unreasonable requests. The wife made one or two more visits to the nursery, against advise, to spend time with baby Ning - no amount of effort could stop her from doing so, which is totally understandable. I myself spent hours just staring at baby Ning from the nursery window throughout the day. As day turn into night, that's when the real nightmare began.

It was late night when we were unexpectedly summoned to the nursery yet again, as a feeling of uneasiness enveloped me. There was a lot of commotion inside, both the pediatrician and OB-GYN and a couple of senior nurses were present.

'I'm afraid even the CPAP therapy is not sufficient and upon consulting with other specialist, we are of the same opinion that the baby should be strapped to a ventilator', she started. 'Unfortunately, this hospital is not equipped with such equipment, and since some time back, we've been reaching out to multiple government hospitals for transfer, to no avail. We are reaching the end of our search and the alternative now is to admit her into a private hospital. I have a close counterpart in one, and I am very positive we will be able to secure a spot for her there. But the concern now is on the costs, which I am sure you know will be hefty', she continued.

'I can keep trying until we secure a spot in a government hospital but I hope you can strongly consider the private option', as she looked at us, awaiting our decision. I took a few deep breaths, and inquired, 'How much and how long are we looking at, doctor?'. She pondered for a moment, 'Could be between a thousand plus to two thousand per night, for a couple of days, very much dependent on how well the baby adapt to her condition'.

I looked at the wife, her attention was fixated to baby Ning - it's a decision I'll have to make. 'Let's get her admitted to a private one then'. The pediatrician's face brightened a little, 'Good, let me make the arrangements'. Instructions were belted and people were on the move as we were told to head back to the room and await further instructions.

'It's gonna be one hell of a night', I told the wife as she could only nod weakly amidst the commotions.

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Story of Ning #3.

The long corridor where I waited was freezing cold, and that fueled my anxiety further. I find myself either pacing up and down the corridor or sitting in the corner, hugging my bag and praying - on both situation, eyes glued on the operating theater exits.

There were lots of human traffic, patients being reeled in, nurses tagging in and out, equipment deliveries, resupply and so on. As my disappointment escalated after an hour plus of waiting, a familiar face appeared. 'Daddy, come!', the nurse's voice echoed with excitement. I sprinted towards her and as I laid eyes on baby Ning for the first time, I was overwhelmed with a hundred and one emotions.

Joy, fear, excitement, concern, awkward, anxiety, bedazzlement, confusion, just to name a few. But the one that stood out was uncertainty, as I wasn't sure what's next then.

But the emotional 'flood' was quickly cut short with the appearance of a doctor in full surgical garb, a familiar looking face, reaching out to me. Our introduction was cut short as the pediatrician rushed through the status updates - the OB-GYN is 'patching up' the wife, baby has discharged (in laymen term, shit) inside the womb and it was most fortunate we made that decision quickly, then showed me pictures of the umbilical cord and finally shooed myself and the nurse back to the labor for the subsequent procedures, all of that in the blink of an eye as the pediatrician returned into the operating theater.

With the nurse, we literally ran back to the labor room as she explained the next procedure, which is to 'suck' the remaining fluid out of her system ASAP and I am to proceed with her admission. As baby was reeled into the procedure room which I was prohibited from entering (bahhhhhh), the nurse over the counter passed me a slip which contains details such as her birth date and time, weight as well as overall length. As I studied the details, I pitied the wife as it was very obvious the baby took after my size. 'Head to the ground floor and complete baby's admission, then come back and return me the slip', she said.

I was on auto pilot again and the next thing I know, I was back in labor room as the counter nurse advised, 'Alright, daddy can return to the operating theater to wait for mummy, baby will be sent to nursery after clean up'.

I was back at the long corridor, mind still cloudy. It was another half and hour before the anesthetist exited, introduced himself and provided me further updates. 'All went well, the wife should be out soon', he said and it wasn't another 30 minutes that the wife, still dazed from anesthetics, was reeled back to her room. At this point of time, as I breathe a sigh of relief, it felt that the morning ordeal was finally over.

I could never be more wrong. Note - present me is also trying hard to recall the sequence of events.

I was tending the wife when the pediatrician called for my presence and once I made my way to the nurse's counter where she was standing, she began her briefing on the diagnosis. As noticed earlier post birth, there were discharge matters all over the baby's body and these are basically meconium. Unfortunately, since meconium was present in the amniotic fluid, it manage to enter her lungs as well, leading to a condition known as meconium aspiration syndrome (MAS) - you can read more about it by clicking the hyperlinks.

And the root cause?

Could very much be due to fetal distress, inline with the irregular heartbeat observed during contractions earlier this morning. As to what caused the distress, that would require further investigation on the lab results and chronology of events. 'But at present', as the pediatrician directed my attention to the X-ray image of baby Ning taken earlier, she pointed out the cloudy strands all over her lungs, 'There's not much of it present, so it's considered minor. We've started her on supplementary oxygen to ease the baby's breathing because without it, she would expend most of her energy into rapid breathing, resulting exhaustion and fatigue, which may lead to her rejecting feeding. And we wouldn't want that'.

'We'll just need to monitor her breathing for now, to make sure she's getting enough oxygen concentration. Follow me', as she gestured me to hop along.

As we entered the nursery, I finally laid eyes on baby Ning again. A nasal tube was fixed below her nose with other wiring strapped to her tummy and legs, leading back to a beeping monitoring device. and some The pediatrician proceeded to explain the displays on screen, the larger numbers were oxygen concentration level, which was a little on the low side given her condition and the smaller numbers, indicating heart rate, was normal. No issues with hearing, feeding was being done via syringe and etc.

And what we can do now is to wait for her body's immune system to 'fight and clear' the meconium from her lungs, which may cause inflammation that could lead to even more rapid and heavy breathing patterns, the critical stages, in the next 24-48 hours. Thereafter, her condition should slowly return to norm.

I tried my best to focus and understand but I was actually devastated, there was my baby girl, having just arrived to this world and was already faced with such challenges. And me, never in my life have I felt so powerless, such despair. Not even when people extremely close to myself were diagnosed with kidney failure or depression (and subsequent relapse), was I shaken this much. All those times, I was able to analyse and plan out options soundly but right now, I was totally blank.

I snapped out of my emotional tsunami when the pediatrician held my arm and reassured me that the situation is not critical nor life threatening, so don't be overly concerned and stay strong for mummy and baby. 'Is there anything we can do to improve her condition?' I mumbled. 'As of current, we can only wait and monitor closely, ensure her condition does not worsen, and hope for improvements after 48 hours as diagnosed', she responded. 'Spend some time with baby but not too long as she needs rest, I'll be back after my rounds to check on her. Take some pictures for the wife, will update you of any changes accordingly', she said as she exited the nursery.

I stood still as I took a very long look at baby Ning, donned only in diapers with some heating elements above keeping her warm. 'Not suitable to be wrapped with all the wiring, and to dry up the remaining cord as well', the nurse explained then warned 'And no touching okay'. I studied her features and concluded that she looks very much like daddy, then observed her breathing patterns, which was rapid and irregular indeed. My hands trembled as I took a few pictures and a short video for the wife and I made my way back to the room, all the while thinking how I should break this news to the wife.

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